By Vasudev Murthy ©

Communicating with Humans


My flank itched and so I scratched myself. Then my ear, so I
scratched again. Then there was an irritation near my
tail, so I twisted backwards and gnawed away.

“That filthy dog needs to be thrown out,” screamed the
bad-tampered aunt of my ‘mistress’. “What if he has a
horrible disease??”

“But he’s a Dog! What’s he supposed to do? Play the violin?”
protested my dear mistress. But she looked at me and
told me, with her eyes, that I needed to head out for a
while and let things cool down. So I wagged my tail,
heaved myself up and sauntered out proudly. I took
orders from no one except Alankrita, who called herself
my mistress. In fact, I had agreed to live with her out
of compassion. In fact, I play the violin.

All this would soon change, I told myself. The local
Communications Committee was about to make a
breakthrough.

For generations we had believed that humans were just too
stupid or evil. They talked in thousands of different
ways. They couldn’t understand each other. They fought
relentlessly.

We had perfected our communication systems. A few words
through barks and scratches and we were able to say
whatever needed to be said. A newborn pup was taught the
system and he would pick it up easily, within two days.
One language, one system of communication – total
efficiency. We had long since learnt that the successful
way to true happiness was to say little and to want
little as well.

But humans? On and on and on they went. Words, words, words.
For absolutely no reason at all, some would throw stones
at us. Other humans would pat us and feed us, thinking
they were doing great things. We just tolerated them.
Poor things, how much they had to struggle to
communicate the simplest things to us. It was terribly
confusing to hear them babble continuously.

Then there was this thing called “Shake hands”. All humans
loved to shake hands with us, I don’t know why. It
bored the daylights out of us. When I was young and more
volatile, my first inclination was to chomp at their
fresh pink juicy fingers or lift my hind leg and pee on
their palms. But now I was wiser. I would either give
them my paw to get the silly drama over with or would
make them ask me a few times (tease them, in fact) and
then offer my paw anyway. Silly idiots, getting
hysterical over such matters.

But I digress.

A few months ago, we had a virtual conclave. Raju, the Seer,
peed at the telephone pole two houses away from my
house. When I sniffed there, I understood that he wanted
us to meet and discuss something important - the time
for Lifting the Veil Had Come – we had to communicate,
demand our Rights and get Answers. Now! No More Craven
Tail-Wagging.

I passed on the message by peeing on Khushwant’s (whose
‘master’ with the same name had started resembling him
strongly) gate and then on Blacky’s gate. It’s so simple
– it’s how you pee and the pattern you leave behind that
matters. I have heard that humans collect samples of our
urine and then say that we’re sniffing for chemicals to
establish territorial claims. Utter rot.

So, word got around. We were used to communicate at 3:00 in
the morning anyway by collectively howling in the
neighborhood. Part of it was communication, part was
just noise, deliberately intended to irritate the
humans. The system was very efficient. Within minutes,
every dog that needed to know something got the message.
Others ignored it.

The ones who weren’t chained (another stupid trick of our
humans) finally did meet and we appointed a senior brown
mongrel, who we mistakenly thought was the most
intelligent, to figure out how we should break the
deadlock. But his recommendation wasn’t very sensible.
He thought hard and announced that if we peed on the
front door of our houses at exactly 6:30 a.m., humans
would finally understand how utterly inferior they were
and would take away our collars and put them around
their own necks, get on all fours and start barking,
expressing regret. We vetoed the idea because it ignored
one fundamental point – that humans had this irrational
dislike for urine – even though, hold your breath, they
peed several times a day themselves, along the road,
just like us! Well, the mongrel couldn’t be blamed. He
had never lived in a human home and he had a superiority
complex anyway. He was a species-ist, kind of like a
racist, in that he was convinced that dogs were
infinitely more gifted and humans were inferior. The
more intellectual and liberal amongst us disapproved of
such radical thinking. We agreed that humans had a
problem, but we felt that education was the answer, not
confrontation.

Then we appointed a committee of two German Shepherds to
suggest something. They went even further. They
suggested that all dogs bark continuously from 1 am to 4
am. They felt this would wake humans and force them to
listen quietly and absorb our points through their thick
skulls, because they were busy the rest of their waking
day chattering non-stop on their mobile phones or
sending SMSs, and always ignored us then. We dismissed
that committee. Too frivolous, we thought. And there
could be a violent backlash, which could prematurely
weaken the Revolution.

Meanwhile, the dogs in the neighbouring area sent word about
some traitorous cats that were trying to pass on
information about our attempts to the humans. They were,
naturally, driven up a tree and being the way they were,
were unable to come down to earth. Good riddance. Well,
there will always be innocent victims where there are
Revolutions. It is a price that must be paid. Mercy is
for the weak.

Anyway, after those initial experiments, we were able to put
together a good committee with sound minds. I can’t tell
you who they were because I was sworn to secrecy.
Violations would mean instant death. Swift and sure
punishment was guaranteed. But one hint – do you see
dogs that seem to lie around all day doing nothing?
Those are the blessed ones. Their highly evolved brains
have helped them to minimize movements and desires, and
they are closest to God. They seek not, they want not.
They spend all day in meditation and contemplation. They
are truly evolved souls who communicate with the Great
Beyond. It’s from them that we picked our committee.

The Committee met to decide the course of action. They
raised a fundamental point that we had overlooked. After
communication, what? They solicited opinions to arrive
at a consensus. Understand that democracy is
fundamental to us. We listen to all opinions. We pick
the ones we like. Those whose opinions we don’t like, we
excommunicate. The human system has in fact been taken
from us.

“We can share what we know!” said an excited Terrier, peeing
near the big Neem tree in the park.

“They are heathens – could we not tell them about the True
Faith, Ours?” asked the Spaniel barking at 3:30 am.

“Ignore them” moaned a High Priest, a Dalmatian, mournfully,
peeing on the tyre of his master’s car. “They will never
change. Especially their underwear.”

“Kill them! Kill them! Kill them!” screamed a frivolous
Pomeranian yapping her brains out, beside herself with
rage. This happened at approximately 4:45 am, according
to my notes. At 4:51 am, she repeated her viewpoint.
“Kill them! Kill them!! KILL THEM!!!” she shrieked. We
heard human yells, either of fury or terror; I suspect
the latter.

I thought of Alankrita. Even though she was so dumb, I could
not ignore her or even kill her. She was too nice and
friendly.

“Collar them, chain them, take them for walks” growled a
bitter Boxer, obviously influenced by the German Shepherds.

The Committee finally came up with a Total Solution after
they decided that the topmost priority was
state-of-the-art Canine Restrooms on each road spaced
out every ten feet, with an emphasis on ambience and
aesthetics.

They decided to send email to the humans and issue a set of
graded warnings. They needed to know that Time Was
Running Out and we would strike back if they didn’t make
Amends and address our demands. ASAP.

So the committee put together a plan to build a
dog-compatible computer, which would be hooked to the
Internet. They received funding and technical support
from weak humans like Mini, Shanthi, Alankrita and Priya
and bizarre groups like People For Animals (traitors to
their own race – well, who are we to bother if it suits
us?). Finally it was done. The Canine Computer was invented.

That’s how you’re reading this tale. Do you understand now
how and why we finally decided to contact you in this
modern way?

I hope you are now working hard to construct those public
dog urinals so that we can have a little privacy hereon.
Light blue walls please.