The Sphinx’s Secret

She looked at herself in the mirror. Turned sideways to take in the profile. Not, bad, she thought, for the mother of a seventeen year old. Then winced. Maybe it needed to be amended to not bad. Not bad at all, she repeated. She had never liked those qualifiers.

"What does highest marks among the girls mean?" she had argued. "We did not get a special exam. I did not do as well as the others. And am second in class. That's what it is."

Long days- short years. Three decades. Finishing an MBA degree- then finding a job in the dot com bust recession that followed. Almost quitting that job, but soldiering on. Leaving the corporate world to join the upper echelons of higher academia. Tumbling in and out of love and passion to steady herself with a rock solid relationship. And a terminal degree, a dog, cat and son later, here she was.

Not bad looking at all. A few more laugh lines than there had been. But the hair saw no touch of grey. And she was lighter than she had been then. Good genes and an hour on the treadmill everyday. Discipline. That certainly had changed.

It is rather strange how the mind starts to take you back into the past- just one association triggering it. And the things you remember. She paused and blushed. Not that there was that much to remember either. But even then.

"The CEO of the New Zealand company I am consulting on this project for will be joining us at DC" , her husband had announced just before the start of their East Coast trip.

"As long as I do not have to give up Smithsonian plans to be arm candy, dripping in diamonds and chiffon" she had said. It was an old joke, which only they found funny. And that was it.

Only that it had been him. She had glanced down the stairway and seen his profile. She knew that nose, that mouth- she felt her cheeks flush- that look. It was him alright. She retreated to the hotel room to look at herself in he mirror.

How dramatic was this, and how totally ridiculous. The husband and the lover work together. Lover? They had not been lovers. Just friends. Who had then drifted apart. Good friends for the time they had known each other. Not lovers, except for that one time. She felt her cheeks warm up again.

She calmed herself down and walked down the stairs. To introductions and "we did our MBA together" and surprised murmurs from he husband, "but you never told m" to the "we lost touch" and then found herself promising him lunch the next day to the lot of catching up they had to do.

Mechanically she went about her day. Discipline is a wonderful to thing to cultivate- it helps put life on autopilot even when the mind is so far away. She called up her son- clucked over his B in Statistics, then called up the kennel to hear the latest on Buttons - dashed off an email to Silvia about how the cat preferred to drink out of the kitchen faucet. Then she went about her day just as she had planned. One museum to the other. Willing herself to pick up brochures and pamphlets, trying to show interest in the Wright brother's airplane and the First Ladies dresses. By evening she was weary. Weary of trying her best not to think.

"I don't think you ever mentioned him" her husband remarked at dinner.

"I had kind of forgotten. It's been so long since I passed out of my MBA" yes, blame it on time " there is nothing much really" indeed, nothing much except that once.

The conversation drifted off. She found herself on autopilot again. Not really thinking, about anything. Even as she tried her hardest not to think about that.

"Are you alright, you are so quiet"

"Umm, I got tired"

"You are usually so full of enthusiasm even when you are tired. Are you sure you are not sick or something?"

Yes that must be it, she thought, she was sick or something. "I will go and lie down"

His worried eyes followed her to the room.

She disliked herself for this. He was not judgmental. Only too well did she know that. She had told him everything. The mindless affairs, the heartaches, the unkept promises. She had cried into his arms ate into so many nights talking away the pain of the past. Everything, except this. Because in the magnitude of what had happened since, this had got lost somewhere- only to be resurrected by this chance meeting.

A kiss, her first passionate kiss. They had been so innocent then. And so young. It was late. He was dropping her back to her dorm. And had stopped. Under the stars and held her. And kissed. She remembered that well. Only too well. She felt her heart hammering - even as it had then- her breath quickened and she felt herself going weak- her knees turning to jelly. How long they remaining thus- kissing under the stars she did not know. But that was all that happened. That first kiss. That passionate memory that seared through her soul now- that was all that had been. Not too momentous, not even remarkable enough to have warranted an affair- but the most amazing thing that had happened to her.

But they had kind of drifted apart after that. Not in a very conscious kind of way. But suddenly life in its full force was upon them. And she forgot it – maybe in the occurrence of more emotionally involving events. As for him, she never knew.

Next morning found her slowing down her routine- to make lunch time come by faster. She dawdled over breakfast and lazed in the bath.

"You look better than yesterday, are you better?" her husband asked solicitously.

"Yes" and she tried to talk as she used to.

"So what plans, besides lunch?" he was just being his courteous self.

"I will let the day surprise me" nothing truer than that.

Soon, dressed and perfumed she made her way to the restaurant. Early.

He was there. With that same half longing look on his face- as he had that night. She wanted to run away, but stayed.

"You look like a Sphinx- with that half smile. Like you had a secret to hide". She smiled some more.

" Only that there is not secret, only the semblance of one" He did remember that Oscar Wilde story. Her favorite.

"The salmon is good" how she disliked intrusive over-bright waiters?

" I recommend that Chardonnay" he said, "We grow it near Gisborne. We have good wines down under"

Was it important where the wine came from? Did it matter?

"It has the same bouquet as the French" and he pressed another glass on her.

She sipped. What did the difference matter? Was he trying to while away time, like her? Was he trying to make himself at ease. Maybe she should help him.

"So what happened, you know, after we drifted apart? If I remember correctly you got a job in London"

"Then I moved to Paris for a few years, and then to Australia. Worked in Sydney for a while. Then finally on to New Zealand."

"And they made you CEO, very impressive"

"Hardly. Tell me about you, I see the husband and I know of the son, he is very proud of his boy". No wife mentioned so far. Could he have nurtured something

"Still single? Or single again or married and looking" the wine was making her talk. And talk what.

"Is none of the above an option?" he asked

"How so" she persisted. This Gisborne or was it France Chardonnay was something,. She took another sip. He laughed as he filled her glass.

"Well, you kind of broke my heart" was she really hearing this?

"But you.."

"I was just kidding. You never took me seriously. And actually there was no we, just you and me- and we went our separate ways. And look how well we have made it" He raised his glass.

She raised her glass and smiled.

Sometimes the sphinx gets to keep her secret.