Lesson 4: So Feminism did not ever do anything for you?

Seriously? Yes, very seriously? You mean to say you actually believe it. Well, good for you!

You say it is because access to education is no big thing- the women in your family have been educated for generations before feminism and will continue to be so till the ashes of feminism get cold. So really, it does not matter to you that you have the freedom to study what you want to attend any educational institution you like is not such a big deal. I do not know about your foremothers, who I am sure were enterprising women, but my grandmother (who also happened to be highly educated, and yes feminism did a lot of things for me and my mother) needed her brother to champion her cause for higher studies and then needed special dispensation from the University to be allowed to study Mathematics, because it was considered out of the brain capacity of women. And not only her, but also that representative of higher education for women, Marie Curie, the winner of not one but two Nobel prizes, had to leave Poland to move to Paris where she was allowed to study science. But hey, what does it matter travel broadens the mind.

Being an equal inheritor of property and wealth with your brothers does not mean much? Because your family always made provisions for their women. Well, wouldn’t it take only one or two people to change that dynamic in your family too (with all due respect to their sense of justice).  After all what a benevolent family hath given it can as easily take away.

And really having the right to vote does not matter much either, right? And women politicians should really stay at home preferably barefoot and pregnant. Because all this stuff about equal rights is just talk and what actually counts is privilege by accident of birth. You deserve to enjoy the privilege because you were born to it, the other women, tough luck to them.

Access to equal medical care, birth control or the right to manage your own contraception is also no biggie. Of course not. It is so much nicer when your husband or the men in your family have the right to grant you the privileges to call your body your own- after all what are you but a vessel mostly for helping give brith to more masters of the human race.


And you never had any problems ascending the corporate ladder at the workplace despite being a woman. Because you had a really good maid and excellent support in the shape of your mother, mother-in-law to substitute for day care. And it is people's bad luck if they do not have it. And maternity leave is for losers- because men never get medical leave for sickness- medical leave that becomes half pay and then without pay depending on how long they are away from work. After all women must choose between family and work- just like men do- what is that? Men don't, because more often than not they have someone managing their homes for them. I guess there is equality, one gender gets more of it. 

Oh feminism really does nothing for you because you are a man. And it really is not a big deal that you have to conform to rules as rigid as those that govern the other half of the human race. After all it is great to always have the burden of being the provider the hunter the gatherer the decider. And it is even more wonderful to not be allowed to have any kind of weakness. And your spouse is an inferior not a equal- but that is how it is- with you in charge of her, like with any other possession.

What is that? It is not feminism that bothers you, rather that those pesky feminists look for equality even while not giving up their seats on the bus? I agree that is a huge deal. I am sure they would love to give those up as long as they were guaranteed penny for penny the exact same wage for the exact same work, the right to be respected as much as men are, the right to be heard without being viewed through the lens of the weaker sex, the autonomy over their bodies and decisions regarding those, not being objectified as things, being as human. Oh and they are “respected” if they do not cross over the goddess line and continue being nurturing giving and sacrificing? Well, what if they do not want to be objects of worship, rather allowed to be human- you will not allow that.

Anyhow, please pay my respects to everyone else under that rock with you. Privilege is wonderful when you have it. Not so much if you view people who do while you do not.

Lesson 3: Real Men are Feminists

Have you done the double take muttering what-stuff-is-she-talking-about? Yes? Good we can continue then. I repeat. Real men are feminists. Because Feminism is not an exclusive women’s only club. It is, as Katha Politt says , about people who answer “Yes” to the query” Are women human”. Real men like real women have already answered in the affirmative to that.

Now where on earth does one find that rara avis the “Real” man. Mind you this is not about the macho huntin’, shootin’, fishin’ smelling of tobacco, fighting bears with bare hands person.That you probably would not find in the real world but in a James Bond fantasy. Nor the opener of doors , payer of checks, secret drooler of Playboy or whatever it is that grown up adolescents spend time soothing their hormones over. Again the Ian Fleming creation fits better here. Nor the guy who insists on being domineering and blusters through situations with fake bravado. Yes, and a real man does not need tradition to justify his behavior.

A real man is a good human being. It is as simple and as complex as that. A real man thinks for himself and knows his place in the scheme of things. He does not require the crutch of tradition nor of social sanction to live his life. Nor does he need to be on a constant race to show himself superior. Because he knows his strengths and is comfortable with them. He does not need to be constantly competing with others, specially the superciliously termed “weaker” sex to prove his worth. Quite simply the adage of the empty vessel making the most noise holds truest here. Because bluster and bravado and a put on macho act are in the end all signs of a deep rooted insecurity and an inferiority complex.

A real man thinks for himself. He does not need to justify his actions and behavior by using the oft spoken “That is the way it has been” He is rational. Tradition for him is important, but misogyny belongs to antiquity. As do traditional gender roles. Because he is not afraid of moving beyond the established norms to fulfill his true potential. Because he knows that those judging him a sissy( funny how the worst abuse for a man is calling him a woman – Full Frontal Feminism, Jessica Valenti) do not define his worth. He defines and lives it himself.

And the real man is not afraid of expressing his emotion. He does not hesitate in expressing what he is going through. Because he knows that suppressing emotion is unhealthy. For himself and those around him. And this goes especially for negative feelings- those of cowardice, fear, sadness. Because the real man knows he is not perfect. Instead he is aware that he needs to be working on his shortcomings. But he does not need to cloak them.

So, well adjusted and happy in himself that he is, the real man seeks the same balance in the world around him too. He looks for the same well-being in the people he deals with. Since he fits into no defined mode in paticualr he does nto automatically stereotype and class others in the moulds too. He does not look at women as the “Other”. They are living breathing humans to him. With as much rights to their lives as he has to his.

He does not need clarification from his women friends that their being feminists, or their struggle for equality is not about reducing his status somewhat. His status is entirely a function of himself, not of the world around him. He knows of the inequality in the world around and does wish to help even the balance. He does not seek safety in numbers becoming a Men’s Rights Activist, trying to “save the family” because he knows that traditional gender roles too often tend to perpetuate the domination of one sex by the other. He knows that equality of the sexes is desirable because it is beneficial for both men and women ( He may or may not have read Simone de Beauvoir” When we abolish the slavery of half of humanity, together with the whole system of hypocrisy that it implies, then the "division" of humanity will reveal its genuine significance and the human couple will find its true form”). True equality and rights for all help in raising his fellow men from the level of beasts unable to control their sexual feelings, and it also serves to create respect for all individuals as humans, besides doing all the good things specifically for women. He knows, that if only for the respect it gives men, feminism and the contingent equality is worth a try.

The real man does not need an explanation of semantics when women he knows declare themselves feminists. He is aware of what they mean. He does not objectify women, subjecting them to the goddess/ whore dichotomy, rather treats each person as a distinct human being, much like he is. And, best of all, the real man does not need to make any special effort to be Real. No trips to the gym and power muscle workouts( unless he likes that thing) No masculinity classes. No “special” diets. He just has to search his soul and look at the innate human decency within and begin treating fellow humans, men or women with the same respect.

Lesson 2: Mommy does not know best.

And neither does Dad, nor Grandma nor Grandpa nor uncle nor Aunty and not fifth cousins twenty times removed. They may know more, owing to their grey hairs and general experience. But they do not essentially know what is best for you. Because only you know hat is best for you. And it is high time you stopped trying to let everyone else, specially the “elders” do your thinking for you.

Having said that I now pause for you to commence your brickbats and counter arguments, before carrying on. The most common refrain against my stance is that one “owes” to ones family of origin. Owes, birth, general upbringing etc. etc. Well, I wonder is love and blind obedience the price to pay? Doesn’t the family of origin owe the perpetuation of their genes( and trust me that is an onerous responsibility indeed, for without the perpetuation of the genes, the mammals and later the primates would never have proliferated their little fragile species) to the progeny? Of course the answer is an affirmative, so then, by the same logic of owing, shouldn’t they be deferring to whims and fancies…

But argument aside, this is not about general knowing the “better” alternative in terms of the stove is too hot so it will burn you, rather the all-knowingness that seems to pervade anyone who is chronologically older when it comes to tradition( my pet bête noir), choices, behavior, dealings with the opposite sex, careers, lifestyles etc . etc… And before you start deciding to go on hunger strikes for every time the food at home is not what you like, let me tell you I am not suggesting rebellion. I am merely suggesting you use that all important organ- Your brain. Think through carefully. Think through the suggestions, think through the alternatives, think, think, think. And then make a choice, which is based on cold-hard reasoning rather than just emotion.

Unfortunately, if you have to be reminded to think for yourself, you probably have been pretty well conditioned by the self-same “elders”. And you know what, it is not even their fault. Unfortunately they behave that way because they were conditioned to think it was the best way to behave, to conform to rules or regulations or whatever set up for societal structures very alien to our own. And even though things changed outside, internally they remained the same. Simply because they refused to address the cognitive dissonance because of the differences.

And you know, it is also very difficult to think for oneself. Because thinking carries with it the burden of taking responsibility for the actions that accompany the thinking. The thinking I advocate is not the armchair variety, rather the take action kind. And too often those actions result in consequences that may seem painful in the short run, but nevertheless pay off after a while. It is a simple matter of perseverance. Remember the story of Robert the Bruce and the Spider?

Mommy specially has all too often gone through a very excruciating conformation process. At every stage of her life it has been drummed into her that she is not as equal a human as she would have liked to be. Of course there are mommies that have broken the chain, but they are not as many as one would like. And of course she very heroically tries to get the best for you- as do Daddy and the rest. But the greater their brainwashing, the more difficult it is for anyone else to even try to understand you.

Now that I have further distressed you by letting you see how very hopeless things are, let me remind you, you do not have to rebel for everything. You just have to take a stand. And simple as it may sound, it is among the most difficult things to do. And not only because you loose moral support. But because the results are far from certain. Of course following a much-trodden course will also lead to uncertain sureties of success, but it is not quite as risky as a very unknown, an alone risk kind of a way.

So, I hear you asking( provided you have read so far and not given up ) what does this have to do with feminism. Well, just about everything. Remember feminism was about equality of all human beings. Thinking, using your faculties to the fullest is merely about utilizing the potential to becoming more equal. Yes, yes some people think better, some do better, but that is very little a matter of gender( even though men have larger brains on an average- but that has little to do with general brain capability. Think, question, and come to your own conclusions. Even make your own mistakes( “experience at any price is cheaper” As Jerome K Jerome quipped in Three Men in a Boat). Remember the perpetration of stereotype- by not thinking- is very largely responsible for the mess society is in today.

So till next time repeat to yourself “Only I can decide what is best for myself.”

Lesson 1: Feminist is not a Dirty word

International Women’s Day is in close danger of becoming just another one of those days wherein some ideals are brought out of the closet, speeches made, a few marches undertaken, protests made, tea and refreshments had and then the ideals carefully dusted away, not to see the light of day till the next year. I correct myself, it has become that.

It has had an interesting history. Beginning with a very socialist base in 1909 in the USA, it became adopted by countries of the former Iron Curtain as a secular Spring holiday and is now beginning to become just another one of those Hallmark holidays- with a few speeches and pretences at equality thrown in. And it is not because the day has lost its relevance. If anything, Women’s Day is far more relevant now than at any other time.

Because somehow “Feminism” has become a dirty word. I have absolutely no idea why it happened. Feminism is just the radical notion that men and women are equal. And claiming, often too proudly as a lot of women do, “I am no feminist” is almost like agreeing that men are definitely the superior sex. Just a matter of semantics, you say. Because feminism is equated to the bra-burning (who in their right mind would or could burn that all-important garment, I do not know) set, or to the caricature of the chain-smoking, man-hating, hairy-legged lesbian. Not too attractive, the media tells us. Of course it is another thing that feminine attractiveness is something entirely dictated by what big business decides will sell their products better. Notions of feminine attractiveness are so much foisted on us by the opinions of others that they have even ceased to seem like shackles.

But, I digress. We were discussing why feminist is a dirty word. The other “F” word. In my humble opinion, it is because the negatives associated with it are so great that people do not like the association, and they publicly rush to denounce it, without bothering to educate themselves about it. Rather like "atheist", but that is another story. And there is the overwhelming apology, “Men and women have their innate differences…but….” Why on earth do we women apologize so much? For being, thinking, even existing? It is ridiculous. Almost as if we were afraid for having our own thoughts, because we need approval from the masculine half of humanity. Again a process of socialization. Learned at Momma’s knee “Say sorry for everything..” And so we keep on.

No one is denying the innate biological differences between men and women. But we are all part of the human species. Equal halves if anything else. Biologically that is. And only biologically. Because where hormones do not matter, as in matters of the mind, of tactile skill, or the law, the human species is equal. Specially under the law. Other differences are individual not gender-specific.

Yet, women keep saying sorry. For daring to think they deserve an equal deal. And the few brave men (brave because they get called a lot of uncomplimentary words in a lot more derogatory ways) who try to stand up for women’s rights need to specify its about equality, not superiority. And superiority of a sex is really stupid concept, considering that unless we learn the secret of parthenogenesis the human species would die out. As it would anyhow if we let one sex bred out.

So feminism is not a very bad really. Actually it is not sex-specific either. Men have been, are and can be feminists too. Revolutionary thought isn’t it? John Stuart Mill was one of earliest ones. He lent his name to Harriet Taylor to publish her Essays on the subjugation of women (this was in the really dark ages when women were not allowed to publish tracts, or even have the brains to do so. And it was nto so long ago either). The point I am making is, if it was good enough for John Stuart Mill, surely it is good enough for a bunch of men now.

So now that we have reclaimed the F word from the undeserved infamy it had, we can concentrate on matters of importance like how to establish a more “equal” culture. Till then, keep repeating to yourself ”Feminism is NOT a bad word”.