Pro-Choice

"And that is why euthanasia is as unacceptable as abortion is".

That one argument from the opposing team made her team lose the debate. Which was to be expected considering it was a Missionary school they were in. And once the great pro-life argument was made, no matter how specious their other arguments, the nuns would obviously not consider them. And perhaps that also determined her end of the school year prize – the English medal not the all-rounder- prize. Had she not been pro-euthanasia- and maybe thus by association pro-choice?

**************************

Not that it mattered then, as it does now. And even now it is only something that she can only think to herself. Quietly and then try to erase the thought even as it leaves her head. Decisions that she has had to prepare herself for over the years. Decisions that she would prefer taken for her- if only for stopping the pain of agonizing over them. But decisions that she has to think out herself. Because accepting what others think out for her is not her way. It is her life- and her life alone that will be impacted most forcefully.

But there may be another life too. And that is why it is something that she cannot even bear to think out. Except maybe to be prepared. Always keeping the contingency plan ready. "You got to do, what you got to do" had seemed so callous then, when someone mentioned a friend who had made the decision. It had seemed easy enough to be shocked, to even secretly look down, secure in the moral high ground of not having gotten in such a fix. What was her stand then, "In modern times like these one would be silly not to take precautions". But statistics of 99% success means a 1% failure too- statistics that then move beyond numbers to hideous phantasmas. But it is a low probability 1%, she knows, secure in the knowledge that birth control mostly usually works. Even though it is a blessed relief to have 5 days of cramping and pain knowing that it is not there-yet.

Even though she knows what she will do now in the once off chance- just what she has to. Which is why the ever ready contingency plan. Viable or non-viable are mere terms she knows. And she always thinks about the hue and cry others make over these decisions. And at how draconian or ancient or liable to very open interpretation these laws are. Which this situation is continually throwing to light. Which is becoming fodder for talk. By everyone who feels they have a say. By mere virtue of having gone through motherhood that they accepted. Accepted and glibly enjoy, deifying themselves with the allowance, "I am pro-choice, but I would not do it". But that is a choice too. As is being pro-life. A choice she secretly feels is about not having the strength to face important decisions- but to pan them off to an imaginary deity- who is easier to blame if things are not as perfect as they should be. Making personal weakness moral strength- she feels.

And she knows it is wrong to have an opinion about this. To express it openly Because it is way too serious. It is not her life. But it just can be. Just a freak chance. What will she do? Not make it public, is the first thing she can think about. But do what she has to. And never ever speak of it. Because everyone judges. Everyone pans it into black and white. When it is all and some shades of grey. She can close her eyes and wish it away. It is not her life. It will not be her life, she hopes. Ever. She will be careful. But it is about statistics, that smidgeon of a chance. Just one little thing. Of course carelessness or stupidity or desire can all be interpreted any way. It is not about a hedonic willfulness or an expression of feeling- or idiocy. It is about things that can happen. It is not about carelessness being interpreted as callousness. It is just about that slim chance that it can be her. Trying to justify a decision she knows she will make. Trying to be liked- trying never to be judge. Even though she has raised her voice against what she feels is wrong. Because that was easier to define in blacks and whites. This is worse- a grey that can happen to her. Anytime- anywhere. She would not is never a decision. Because the reality is she could not not.

She knows no answers. She also knows that she is a coward, because she cannot even bring herself to own these thoughts in the first person.