No money, honey….

"Aren't you going to get anything?" She asked, her arms laden with clothes.

"Umm…"

I looked around the store. And wandered off to the cosmetics section. There would most definitely be something under $10 there. And now somehow I was committed to buying something.

I wonder how that mindset forms. That one must buy something, anything if one enters a store. Not just walk through miles of merchandise and look and after a "I am fine, thanks" to the anxious-to-make-you-spend-there-salespeople just saunter off, committing that terrible blunder of not buying. Anything. It is just there somehow. The "am here, so will buy" thing. 

And it begins to seem redundant when you cannot buy. Not do not want to but cannot. A world of difference between the words. A huge big difference. Not a nice feeling though. Not the first time certainly.

Kohl's in an end of the season sale is not exactly expensive. But today it was. Pricey. Well, these days even a thrift store would be that way. And that was the problem. It was not something sudden. I had known it before I had gotten here. So much for sacrificing career and the very fat( or so it seemed now) paycheck and move here with my worlds possessions in two bags , in the pursuit of higher education. A seemingly redundant second masters degree still a year away and then the PhD grind, with hopefully some money to spend on discount sales for a few more years. It just seemed such a high mountain to climb

"I need to do that, so what" I had told myself then. "So what I won't get any new things for a year. Big deal". It was not a very big deal this shopping thing. I rarely bought too many new things. But I always could. Till now. When I did not want to, but could not. Having the choice and then not doing something is so much more shall I say empowering than the other alternative. 

I wandered from the women's section to the shoes, through the kitchen ware area, thinking, "Not for a long long while, yet." Then through the bed linen randomly. To great smelling cosmetics.

"Would you like some of this" the young lady behind the counter held a vial.

"No " I murmured, wondering if I looked like I could afford it. For goodness sake, I had patched my sneakers this morning- with a needle and thread- a first at shoe-economy. $60 for shoes was just frivolous right now.

I went in deeper.

There it was. A little reindeer in a red sweater hugging a few little bottles of body wash close to it. "The perfect gift for someone special" said the tag- but the shelf said something even better- "Half off".

And it was 15 bucks…….

I carried it to the counter and whipped out a ten dollar bill.

" A very Happy New Year" the smiling lady said as she bagged it for me.

 Yes, the New Year needs to be started on an extravagant note.